Wednesday, July 16

Layers Exposed - Trading Ashes for Beauty

I knew that I would have to share this one day. Not that I didn't want to but I didn't think I was healed enough, strong enough, and whatever else enough. The lies the enemy tells you when God is revealed in your life…

One February morning I woke up with excruciating pain in my right eye. Light literally felt like its worst enemy. I screamed in agony as I tried to find my sight. It was nowhere to be found. After being rushed to the hospital the corneal specialist determined that I had a corneal ulcer and infection that was bound to take my entire eye due to it severity and rapid growth.

I didn't want to hear it. I knew my God would come through. I knew His glory would be exposed. But I just had to figure out how to get there.

Every area of my life has been tested in these last few months; Physical, mental, spiritual. I would lay in my closet in fetal position and scream out to God. 'Why was I going though this Lord? What did I do? Please take this pain away! Help me to endure it if You won’t!'

There were times I was so bruised, I felt like I couldn't pray. I thank God for using my fiance’ to encourage me in those moments. To remind me I was beautiful, that everything would be alright, and that we didn't believe what the Dr. said as the final word.

But I have to be honest. This situation, where something changed in the physical, made me realize how much as a woman a part of me still classified my beauty according to the outer. Also, how much even family members did. I was always made to believe that my eyes were one of my most beautiful attributes. So what happened when they were hurt, changed, or different? God again reminded me where TRUE beauty comes. At such a deep level it’s almost difficult to articulate.

God gave me the Joy for the tears He counted in a bottle. Even though I was a mess in moments, He never allowed me to be down longer than that. It was in those moments His faithfulness wrapped around and cradled me. After a few weeks I was able to be in light again. The pain gradually started going away. As my cornea began to be healed layer by layer God was healing me from the inside out in the same manner.

‘We saved the eye but I don’t like how slow it’s healing,’ my Dr. would say. Of course I didn't ‘like’ it either. But I knew that God was taking His time for a reason and I just had to be patient. And although I couldn't SEE through my right eye, my VISION became uncluttered. I began to see how selfish I was, how vain I could be, how I hadn't forgiven certain things from my past. I began to see how twisted my prior vision was. How there was a whole old mentality that has to disperse for my true rebirth to take place.

The pruning hurts. But sometimes we've got to get bruised to prevent the real severs down the line. Sometimes we get tested to be redirected, other times it’s to take us to a new level of commitment in our relationship with Christ.

My eye now? Five months later it’s still healing slowly. As am I. Grateful that God renewed my vision, my purpose in Him, and helped me to accept every level of where He has me, holding tight to the promises He made for the future. I’m enjoying the waves, the storms, the rain, the quiet moments, the moments of play and everything else in between. Even though there’s this shadow over my cornea, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is faithful. 

and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll -- are they not in your record? Psalm 56:8 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13


1 comment:

Alyrical Gowdy said...

You know if anyone understands your journey it is me. It is so funny how God works and things and people he uses to reveal things to us. Its my right also that has worst vision of the two. But remember he always has a plan we may never like or understand it but TRUST me He always knows exactly what his doing. I am still praying for you! Love you sis! Remember "where there is no vision people perish." but that doesn't mean eyesight! :)